To Say Goodbye

To say Goodbye to a loved one is hard.

In May, I visited my dad for the last time, to say goodbye.

He was in the last stages of Melanoma and I knew I should to go see him.

I wish I hadn't. 

He'd had radiation on his brain 6 months prior and never recovered. I hate cancer and I hate radiation.

I want to remember him un-sick and able to hear and able to understand and able to communicate. 

I want to remember him without that damn tumor coming out of his arm. 

I want to remember him with his guitar, so comfortable in his hands and singing whatever song he'd just learned.... instead of holding it and not knowing what to do with it.

I want to remember him the way he was....my dad... strong, stubborn, witty, happy, loving, friendly.

Instead, I have a sad, horrible image in my mind. 

I hope, with time, that image fades.

I wanted, just one more time, to hear him sing. He was so relaxed and at ease when he sang... and played his guitar. I sing, but I still get so nervous when I do. Maybe one day, I'll have his gift.

We had many ups and downs throughout the years. 

Divorce, remarriage, jealousy, misunderstandings and life was hard on our relationship, but we had many chats and discussions which got us to a good place. 

He admitted things to me I really didn't want to hear... but I listened. 

In his own way, he appologized, with tears in his eyes, for my sisters and my sad upbringing.

I saw a side of my dad I hadn't known was there. 

For that, I am thankful.

He loved me. He told me he did. I needed to hear it and I believe him.

I miss him.

He passed a month and a week after I visited him.

I'm glad he's in a better place, painfree... 

but I sure miss him.

RIP, Daddy.

Jada Rian

Out in the yard,

Up in the tree,

Climbing the monkeybars,

"Grandma, Grandma,

 look at me!"

                              This photo was submitted to the 

I Heart Faces 

Photo Challenge "FRAMED"

What is Facebook to you?

Today, as her Facebook status, my friend posted this question:

"Should Facebook be a blog of your life?
Shouldn't it be of what is your true feelings.
What your day is like?
Not a bunch of fake smiles, when at the time your heart is breaking?"

I think if those are the things you write about on Facebook, it is a blog of your life.
If you want it to be your journal, make it your journal.
There is no "right or wrong".
Some complain if you put too much "out there" for others to read.
Some complain if you don't put enough.
We all have the option to read, hide or ignore the post's of others on Facebook.
I actually like to read about what is going on in other people's lives.

If you want to express your sadness, do it.
If you want to express your happiness, do it.
If you want to express jealousy, do it.
If you want to express your anger, do it.
If you want to lie about something, do it.
If you want to poke fun about someone or something, do it.
If you want to gossip, do it.
If you wan to post "in your face" stuff to hurt someone, do it.
If you're having a crappy day (or life) but want everyone to think your life is perfect, GO FOR IT.. knock yourself out... make it a good story.

The thing is... YOU are in control of your Facebook page and what you choose to post on it.
If you want people to know how you're truly feeling, then post it.
Don't hold back because "someone" might not like what you have to say.
Screw 'em!  If they don't like what you have to say, they don't have to read it.

Don't let Facebook define your life... it's not a script.
It shouldn't be the only lifeline we have with others, either.

Bottom line... your Facebook page is yours...
Make it what you want.