To Say Goodbye

To say Goodbye to a loved one is hard.

In May, I visited my dad for the last time, to say goodbye.

He was in the last stages of Melanoma and I knew I should to go see him.

I wish I hadn't. 

He'd had radiation on his brain 6 months prior and never recovered. I hate cancer and I hate radiation.

I want to remember him un-sick and able to hear and able to understand and able to communicate. 

I want to remember him without that damn tumor coming out of his arm. 

I want to remember him with his guitar, so comfortable in his hands and singing whatever song he'd just learned.... instead of holding it and not knowing what to do with it.

I want to remember him the way he was....my dad... strong, stubborn, witty, happy, loving, friendly.

Instead, I have a sad, horrible image in my mind. 

I hope, with time, that image fades.

I wanted, just one more time, to hear him sing. He was so relaxed and at ease when he sang... and played his guitar. I sing, but I still get so nervous when I do. Maybe one day, I'll have his gift.

We had many ups and downs throughout the years. 

Divorce, remarriage, jealousy, misunderstandings and life was hard on our relationship, but we had many chats and discussions which got us to a good place. 

He admitted things to me I really didn't want to hear... but I listened. 

In his own way, he appologized, with tears in his eyes, for my sisters and my sad upbringing.

I saw a side of my dad I hadn't known was there. 

For that, I am thankful.

He loved me. He told me he did. I needed to hear it and I believe him.

I miss him.

He passed a month and a week after I visited him.

I'm glad he's in a better place, painfree... 

but I sure miss him.

RIP, Daddy.